Know Your Joe: Meet Airtight
by Red Witch
Summary: Quick Kick and Short Fuse interview Airtight and soon wish they hadn't!


**I don't own any GI Joe characters. Sorry. Thanks for all your suggestions for this series! Keep 'em coming! I promise I will get to do as many as I can. Eventually. But right now let's get to know another Joe that we know little about! **

**Know Your Joe: Meet Airtight**

"Welcome back to Know Your Joe!" Quick Kick waved cheerfully. 

"Yeah and here we are in our brand new set," Short Fuse waved to show a nice room. "It's so much nicer than our last one."

"Yeah especially after it blew up," Shipwreck snickered as he watched the show. "Hey guys it's on again!"

"They're out of the infirmary already?" Lady Jaye asked.

"Yup," Shipwreck nodded. "I wonder which one of us they've suckered into doing this again?"

"I know who," Alpine chuckled. "I guarantee it will be an interesting show!" 

"Now a lot of you out there in TV land have given us a lot of interesting suggestions," Quick Kick said. "But we're still going to do this show anyway."

"We've lined up some great guests for the coming shows with lots of surprises," Short Fuse said. "And we'll have even more if some of them will cooperate better. Don't worry we'll get 'em. It's just a question of finding the right bribe…or getting around any restraining orders."

"In Low Light's case not being shot at would be an accomplishment," Quick Kick said. "But we're going to focus on today's guest. You know him as our resident expert on anything chemical, biological and radioactive."

"If it's creepy and it can kill you, he's there," Short Fuse said. 

"So here he is, the one and only…We hope there's only one of him…" Quick Kick said. "Airtight!" 

Airtight walked on the screen waving and smiling. He gave a handshake to Short Fuse who got an electric shock from a hidden joy buzzer in his hand. "YEOW!"

"Hey that's one way to wake a person up in the morning!" Airtight grinned. "A little electricity is better than caffeine!" 

"Yeah…" Quick Kick looked at him. "Right." He sat down and there was the sound of a whoopee cushion going off. "What the…?"

"It's my latest invention," Airtight showed a small button. "A remote controlled whoopee cushion! Isn't it great? I hid it in your chair earlier on. Listen! Name that tune!" Immediately a gas version of "Yankee Doodle" went off.

"Uh interesting," Short Fuse blinked.

"It's a real gas isn't it?" Airtight grinned. "Get it? Gas?" He then proceeded to create another tune. This time it was 'Tequila.' 

"Interesting choice of music," Shipwreck said. "I have a feeling that those two will be needing some of that very same stuff soon." 

"Yeah this is really increasing the quality of educational television around here," Alpine rolled his eyes as he watched the insanity on the screen. 

"Okay so your real name is Kurt Schnurr," Short Fuse read from a card. "And you reside from New Haven CT, is that right?" 

"Right O Rooney!" Airtight grinned. "I'm part of the CBR Unit. That's Chemical, Biological and Radiological Unit. Don't want to confuse the folks out there in TV land what I am!" 

"Don't worry Airtight after today everyone will know **exactly** what you are," Short Fuse rolled his eyes. 

"Something tells me you were a very happy child," Quick Kick surmised. 

"How did you guess?" Airtight asked. "That's very perceptive of you. Of course I was always very bright and had an inquisitive mind. I was the first kid on my block to have a huge plastic dinosaur collection! And that was even before they were considered the 'in thing'!" 

"Really? Plastic dinosaurs?" Quick Kick asked. "Are those the same ones you glued to the wings of all the Skystrikers the other day?" 

"Oh yes," Airtight nodded enthusiastically. "Besides it gave me an excuse to buy new ones for my collection."

"I see," Short Fuse nodded. 

"I've always had a fondness for practical jokes," Airtight explained. "You know, itching powder in the hammocks. Sneezing powder in the flowers. Fake vomit all over the church picnic tables. I remember this one time I flushed all these cherry bombs down the toilet! What a hoot! Of course the adults got so uptight but it was only a joke!" 

"Well I can understand if you did it at school that…" Short Fuse began.

"Oh no, it wasn't at school," Airtight explained. "It was on my fourth grade field trip to the governor's mansion! Whoo! Bet it wasn't the first time a major stink was set off in that building I tell you!" 

"So I take it that you weren't a very popular child with the neighbors were you?" Quick Kick asked.

"Surprisingly no I wasn't," Airtight said. "I don't know why. I was always trying to be the life of the party. One time I got this nurse shark and I snuck it into my neighbor's pool and…"

"Yeah I think we get the picture," Short Fuse interrupted him. "You got beat up a lot didn't you?"

"No," Airtight shook his head. "No one laid a hand on me. Of course that was because of Harriet." 

"Harriet? What was she? Your sister or something?" Short Fuse asked.

"Oh no, I loved her a lot more than my sister. She was one of my favorite pets."

"She was a dog?" Short Fuse asked.

"No she was much more loyal than any dog. And so is her great, great, great grandchild! Everybody say hello to Susan!" He took out a scorpion from his pocket. 

Both Short Fuse and Quick Kick screamed. "Are you nuts?" Short Fuse yelled.

"Is that a rhetorical question?" Quick Kick asked. "Airtight get rid of that thing!" 

"Oh Susan isn't a thing," Airtight said. "She's a little sweetie! Yes she is! Aren't you baby! And they make great protectors. Especially good for watching out for your wallet. You'd be amazed at how many pickpockets she stopped!"

"And how many of those are still alive?" Quick Kick gulped.

"Most of them," Airtight said. 

"Okay could you please put it away before I completely freak out here?" Short Fuse whimpered. 

"Oh don't be silly," Airtight put Susan back in his pants. "Susan wouldn't hurt a fly. Well that's not exactly true. She has been known to eat a few of them. But I usually catch them first, but you get the idea." 

"Yeah why don't we talk about what you do around here?" Short Fuse panted. 

"And why exactly we keep you around," Quick Kick murmured. 

"Well as you may have guessed I am in charge of dealing with any toxic, hazardous life threatening materials we come across," Airtight said. "And I don't mean the chili in the cafeteria! Ha! Ha! But seriously, I am the specialist who deals with all the poisons and toxins that we come across in our line of work. There's nothing more exciting than going out into the field and discovering a new strain of poison gas!" 

"Really? Most guys just go out and collect stamps or something," Short Fuse said. 

"It takes a special kind of guy to go into a toxic environment wearing a protective suit built by the lowest bidder," Airtight said.

"Yeah usually you find them in the nearest mental hospitals," Short Fuse remarked. 

"But it's such a fascinating subject!" Airtight said. "Now I don't like to brag but I am one of the few people I know who is so well versed in this subject!"

"Okay this interview is now over…" Short Fuse groaned. 

Airtight ignored him. "So very few people are as modest as myself when it comes to my intellectual skills. But I have literally memorized and studied thousands of different biological gases." 

"Airtight you can stop talking now," Short Fuse told him. 

"Speaking of gasses…" Shipwreck groaned as Airtight droned on.

"I can say that I can rise to any challenge," Airtight said. "Any challenge at all."

"Oh really? Bet you can't hold your breath for over five minutes," Short Fuse said.

"You're on!" Airtight said and took a deep breath before holding it. 

"Well that's one way to shut him up," Quick Kick said. 

"This show gets crazier every time they show it," Alpine remarked. 

"I wonder where they got the new set?" Lady Jaye asked.

"WILL YOU CLOWNS GET OUT OF MY OFFICE?" Beach Head shouted as he stormed in. 

"Calm down Beach we were just using it for our show," Quick Kick said.

"I am going to show you my fist if you don't get out of here!" Beach Head growled. "Airtight stop holding your breath and get out of my chair!"

"Oh all right. I'll take Susan and go! Susan?" Airtight looked around. "Susan? She must have crawled out of my pocket!" 

"WHAT?" Short Fuse jumped onto his seat and looked around.

"Who's Susan?" Beach Head asked.

"You don't wanna know!" Quick Kick moaned as he pulled his legs up onto his chair and looked around." 

"Don't step on Susan!" Airtight shouted. "My baby! Save my baby!" 

"Forget your baby!" Short Fuse snapped. "Somebody save us!" 

"Well whaddya know?" Shipwreck remarked as they jumped around the set. "I think they've just found a way to make this show entertaining for the viewers."

"Five bucks says Susan gets Beach Head first," Low Light grinned. 


End file.
